Mothers-in-law fuel Italy’s soaring divorce rate

Not that this will come as a surprise to too many, it’s just nice to have something to back you up on your position when needed…
Italy is experiencing an unprecedented rise in marriage break-ups, according to a new report, with interfering mothers-in-law bearing a high proportion of the blame.

A new poll by research institute Eures reveals a divorce happens every four minutes in a country once regarded as a bastion of marriage.

In 2002, Italy recorded 50,828 divorces – a 45 per cent increase from 2000. Marrying too young, squabbling over money and meeting new partners are often cited for the rising divorce rate but three out of 10 marriages fail because of the unusually close attachment of Italian men to their mothers.

Living in the same house or nearby, she puts strains on a couple’s relationship by meddling in their affairs, finding fault with her daughter-in-law and treating her grown-up son as a child.

‘In Italy there still exists a sort of mother love that is excessive,’ said psychologist Dr Annamaria Cassanese, who says she sees many disillusioned daughters-in-law at her practice in Milan. ‘It is a very Latin thing, deeply embedded in our social structure. For example, you will see mothers crying at the weddings of their sons, but they are not crying for joy, they are crying because they feel devastated. Their son has chosen another woman and it arouses very complex feelings, including jealousy.’

Cassanese points to two types of extreme Italian mother-in-law. One refuses to give in to ageing and sees her daughter-in-law as a rival, the other has dedicated her life to her family and expects payback for life.

Among the wiles of the latter type of mother-in-law is offering to do chores such as cooking, ironing and babysitting. ‘This can often be the beginning of an invasion, in which the mother-in-law slowly takes over and undermines the woman in her own home,’ she says. ‘What starts out being portrayed as something that is helpful degenerates into outright intrusion such as going into drawers and pulling out shirts that are not ironed "her way" or monopolising the kitchen. Wives feel like strangers in their own homes because the mother-in-law is always there.’

The fact that many Italian parents help out their children financially by buying them apartments or cars can also lead them to expect something in return, adds Dr Cassanese. She said many couples still obey invitations to eat with their parents three or four times a week.

The concept of mammoni – sons who cling to apron strings – is well known in Italy and it is not uncommon for men in their thirties and forties to live with their parents. The reasons are partly economic but also come about because boys are indulged well into adulthood in a way that would not be acceptable in other countries. Italian men who remain close to their mothers are emotionally immature, according to Dr Cassanese:

‘The husband is used to being adored and when he doesn’t get that unconditional love from his wife, he goes running back to his mother.’ She has counselled women who complain their husbands phone their mothers too often, discuss marital difficulties with them and make them feel marginalised. She said struggling Italian couples should try to seek professional help to get their marriages back on track before the damage becomes irreversible.

This article found via the Guardian Unlimited

Note to Cheaters with Children

divorce papers for cheaters Just because a child isn’t fully able to articulate verbally what they’ve seen or participated in, doesn’t mean they won’t remember at a later time when they can.

For years, I know of a parent who kept telling their children that their other parent was the one that cheated on them and that was the cause of the divorce.

For several years that followed the divorce, the parent kept discussing this same situation with the children, in obvious effort to erase the true memories from their minds and replace it with suggested memories.

Didn’t work!

In fact, just about a year ago the kids were talking with their grandmother. Just chit chatting away about a movie they’d seen at some point. When the older child blurted out something to the tune of "remember when we were little and ____ took us to so and so’s house that one night?"

Sudden silence —
The truth was out, the truth remembered and no amount of lies was going to cover it up. It was at that precise moment that one child developed real trust issues with one parent and in fact has vowed to "never trust the lying ——" again… while the other struggles with their own variations of just why something like that would happen.

If you’re going to cheat on your spouse, it’s not a good idea to take your kids along, regardless of how little they are or how few words they know. The memory is much more powerful then you’d like to think.

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